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I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
me after eating Cheetos
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇