@heybuddycomic

advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-

king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men

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@CantWaitToNap

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@mostlydelirious

Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.

@MartaEffing

I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.

@AimeeHelene1

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

@Matt_the_1st

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

@iwearaonesie

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

@brennadine

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

@trevso_electric

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

@FatherWithTwins

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.