my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
no cat here
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
79.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.