advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
