advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
This is a genius move
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
