aesthetic
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Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”