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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.