Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.