Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
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I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”