Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”