Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?