Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.