@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

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@AristotlesNZ

Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?

@Brampersandon_

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

@SciencePorn

The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.

@dumbbeezie

“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out

@weedswildflowrs

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

@AnOrangeSNES

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

@RdrJay47

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

@PetrickSara

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run