My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
murderer: does that hurt
me: not really
murderer: oh thank god. im so nervous
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If I ever wake up feeling refreshed I’ll know for sure that I died in my sleep.