Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.
“This is not working out.”
-My trainer, watching me work out
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run