@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

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@PetrickSara

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

@iTomFoolery

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

@DirtMcTurd

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

@darksidesith75

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

@videojames_

murderer: does that hurt

me: not really

murderer: oh thank god. im so nervous

@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@Ryanfc706

No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.

@daemonic3

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

@CrockettForReal

If I ever wake up feeling refreshed I’ll know for sure that I died in my sleep.