“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You Might Also Like
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Morning my dudes.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.