Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.