Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

When I said I liked it rough.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.