After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.