Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

japanese corn

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books