After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.