After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
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Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!