Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

this independent good boy don’t need no human

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

ㅤ

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]