Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.