After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
You Might Also Like
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.