Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.