After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
BRAKING NEWS!!
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate