I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My guardian angel deserves a raise