After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
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THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?