Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?