Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

then why did i get this email

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

My love language is hissing.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things