After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
You Might Also Like
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.