After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Watermelon Boss!
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am