After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot


I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face


Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.


me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them


Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.


Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.


DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys


You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.