Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
You Might Also Like
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?