@archerenemy

After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

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@dafloydsta

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

@Shanomenonandon

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

@om_eye_goodness

internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?

me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@JasonIsbell

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

@i_noted

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

@AristotlesNZ

Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.

@surrealvehicle

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.