@archerenemy

After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

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@nash_official

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

@dukelongboard

I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face

@ABC7

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

@Kimpulses

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

@English_Channel

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

@JohnLyonTweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@AbbeYaar

You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.