[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.
At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?
me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.