After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

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[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans


WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats


internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?

me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.


Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*


A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about


How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.


[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…


Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.


[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.