[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Hey I worked for it too!
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
what the hell pray for carter everyone
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
meow
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
