[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it