Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

what the

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.