[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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bought wrong eggs
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.