[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
😍😂🥰😂😍
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender