After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I WON A HAM TODAY
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?