After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?