Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.