[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
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Going into Monday like
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad