After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that