After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
shut up and take my money
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
How do you like your Corgi?
