Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.