Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Teach your children to beatbox

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.