Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

can’t catch a break

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Can anyone recommend some good introductory books for someone just getting into reading performatively on public transport

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree