Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

well this is just bullshirt

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour