After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”