Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

it is time once again

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell