After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Have a lovely day 😊
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.