After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Just got to our Airbnb!
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.