Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another