has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
For the orator and chef in all of us
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.