@KarateDonuts

After 3 days, the dryer should just eject all the shit you left in there so you’re forced to stop using it as another drawer.

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@SteveSuckington

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

@TommyRainmaker

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

@supnugget

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

@Gre_Gone

Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”

@Papa_Mex

-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen

@radtoria

Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”

@girl_a_whirl

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

@Xoolun

These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.

They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

@gogglepossum

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”