After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Every house has this drawer
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Breaking news:
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw