Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.