After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
pictures of spider-man
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios