After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first