After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
You Might Also Like
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.