“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN