Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

😂😂

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist