Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Jesus Christ lmao

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

Weirdly Wednesday.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.