After 35, your body ages in dog years
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
so this horse walks into a bar
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!