After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
TRAIN’S HERE
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!