Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.