After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
😎 🍻
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great