[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go