Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

*files a restraining order against reality*

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

Breaking news:

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.